drowned
ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN MAY 2022
[CONTEXT: Cai just got off the phone with Furn, who told him that Torian had drowned in the staircase surrounding Moondew Lake. Of course, he made it out, but the party didn’t tell Cai that until they got back from Moondew a few days later. This is a little thing I wrote after the session about what happened during those days. TLDR cai was sooo normal about it]
Cai’s mind spun as he dropped the stone of farspeech. Torian… drowned? How could Furn say something so earth shattering with such nonchalance? A wave of emotions was overwhelming him, so many he could scarcely begin to name them. Regret? Relief? Heartbreak? Anger?
He sat down heavily at his desk, running his hands through his hair. Should he try to collect himself, call them back, ask for clarification? Did his new hires just kill his fucking brother?
Isn’t this…good? Shouldn’t he be happy?
Quiet sobs shook his body, and Cai wished for the thousandth time that he still had the ability to cry actual tears. He produced a key from his pocket and pulled a small box out of a drawer in his desk. He took a shaky breath and opened it. He handled the golden pendant inside like it was made of glass, turning it over in his hands to feel the engraved insignia of the Radiant Parish. He considered putting it on, but thought better of it. He even thought about praying, but who would he pray to?
It had been twelve years since Torian betrayed Cai after their mother cast him out. He never forgave his brother and he never looked back… until he realized how corrupt the Parish was becoming and came back to Swadlin to found the Cloud Guild. Keep your friends close, and your evil fucking family closer.
Why was he so upset? This was good. This was a triumphant blow against the Parish. Torian deserved a horrible death. Cai hated Torian. He hated Torian and he had wanted him dead ever since he ruined his life.
Once again, he wondered if he should just tell Dawn everything. By keeping it a secret, he’d trapped himself into the persona of Guildmaster Mordecai, an unbiased seeker of justice. But he was just Cai, a forsaken child of a demigod driven by vengeance and, in truth, nothing more. But was this not the revenge he wanted? Why did it feel so hollow?
How could Torian be dead? He was basically a god, too. What would happen to the church now? if his insane new employees had indeed killed Torian, then the parish was going to go after him for real. Ah, now that was it. That’s why he was so upset. Or at least that’s what he’d tell Dawn and the others.
Gods damnit. He should have told the party to avoid any parish members. He should’ve expected this after Ress, of all people, showed up in Pine Grove. How had Torian even found out about the sun beast in Moondew? Perhaps he had some way of sensing them. More likely, Gloria did.
At least Torian had meant something to Cai at some point. Their mother, on the other hand, had never shown Cai anything even resembling love. Cai’s sweetest dreams were of driving a knife into her heart, hearing her last choking breath, feeling her blood on his hands.
Living in the same city as his brother had been strange. Once he had heard Torian’s voice, a bit deeper but still instantly recognizable, as he exchanged pleasantries with the cashier at the fantasy stop & shop. Several times he had passed by Torian on the street and just… known. Every time he became breathless with fear, even though he was sure Torian would have no way of recognizing him in his human disguise.
But still… he felt regret. Torian had died without knowing who Cai really was. He probably thought that Cai had died a long time ago, alone, a scared girl.
Putting his head in his hands, Cai thought about Torian’s smile, his many eyes, his wings that Cai had always been so jealous of. Why the fuck did he have to throw Cai to the wolves like that? Why couldn't he have just had his back? Why did he have to be so fucking faithful? And where had his faith in their mother gotten him? Drowned in a weird cursed staircase, miles from anyone who cared about him. If any such person even existed.
Cai was angry now and squeezed the pendant, hard. He wanted to cry out, curse Aubade, smash the stupid thing. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Torian wasn’t supposed to die. Torian was destined to outlive him.
How was he going to face them and act like everything was okay? That he had no personal stake in this? Furn, Bigtoe, and Dane had done such good work in Pine Grove, Dawn attested to that, and he trusted her more than anything. He couldn’t just drop them over this, they hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Fuck.
Cai suddenly felt exhausted. He stuffed the pendant in his pocket and retreated to his room. He locked the door.
—
The sound of violin echoed throughout the halls of the Cloud Guild. Dawn stood outside Cai’s door, listening.
Dawn and Cai had always held each other at arms length. She was used to his moods. But she had never actually heard him play the violin that he had so dutifully carried with him throughout their years of travel.
She asked about it, once. Giving the smile that meant he’d be winking if he was able to, he only said, “Oh, I don't even remember how to play the thing, but it's made out of fine rosewood from the Silver Woods. I’m hoping to find a wealthy buyer one of these days.” Remembering his words, she frowned. The music he played now was slow, languid, and wandering, but clearly practiced.
The trio hadn’t returned yet, and Cai hadn't left his room in two days. They had one brief conversation, in which he had told her that he was busy planning for the Parish’s response to Torian’s death. But shouldn't they be doing that together? Was she not the second in command, who he shared all of his strategies and plans with? They had founded the Guild together to oppose the Parish. She understood the danger of the son of the Archbishop's death being traced back to them, but they could easily scapegoat the new recruits, and the guild members had an escape plan from Swadlin if shit hit the fan.
Dawn didn’t feel like she was being held at arms length anymore. He wasn’t even touching her with a ten foot pole. And she wasn’t an idiot. She knew something about Torian’s death had deeply rattled Cai. But why? And what could she do about it, besides wait?
She slumped down, back against his door. She was never going to understand that cagey, stubborn man. But the sound of his violin was beautiful, and she wished she was there in the room, watching him play. She was still imagining the impossibility of such a scene as she dozed off, not noticing the slight increase in volume as Cai sat down against his side of the door, continuing to play a song that was once a duet.